Here is how I learned about the Many Faces of God in the Desert

I was struggling. The depression and panic I was experiencing was so severe that I would rush to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. I was having trouble working. Most of my days were spent completely incapacitated. Weeks and months went by and no matter how much meditation I did, no matter what drugs I took, I simply could not shake the feelings I was having. I was sure there was simply one face of God, and He was angry, and would send me to Hell in an instant. The guilt was overwhelming.

My psychologist at the time talked me into going to Arizona to experience a process they called ‘Survivors’. The story goes, they had once called it ‘Victims’, but that name made people shy away from the course. I guess nobody wants to be a victim, even if they are a victim (as are we all in our ego minds). The course is only a week, and I won’t go into details, but they get really deeply into what’s ‘ailing’ you. For me, the course led to a 6 week ‘vacation’ in the desert recovering from the one week program. 

At the time, I was sure the darkest places in the Universe were being held in my ribcage.

For me, once the single Face of God I believed in faced directly, as in facing my deepest fears, it turned out to be a Pandora’s Box. As I looked at my life at that moment, all I could see was pain. The psychologists and psychiatrists in the ‘camp’ all worked diligently to help ‘cure’ me. But it wasn’t until I had a massage by an elderly local Tolkapaya man that I was able to exhaust some of the steam being held down by my whiteman pressure cooker.

The Many Faces of God

During the massage, this old, sun dried Tolkapaya Indian stopped in the middle of the process and said: “You’re struggling with guilt. Meet me tomorrow at the back gate before sunrise and I will show you the faces of God, and you may use the prayer I share with you to heal your shame.” Then he packed up his gear and left me lying on the table.

It was still dark when I reached the back gate of the complex I was staying at. He was there waiting. The gate was locked so I climbed over the fence and we walked off into the desert. The Arizona desert is an odd place. At your feet, it’s a gravel driveway. But into the distance it is majestic. We walked in silence for about an hour, and just before dawn we were at a wonderful space with mountains in the distance.

The Prayer of the Many Faces of God

Many people believe that there is a single God. And this belief is true, and at the same time, not true at all. From my own experiences, it is true that God is an expression of Love, and we are extensions of that expression. But at the same time, we are also twisting that expression into an insane world that seems to travel in a linear pattern from birth to death. Like waves, people come and go, taking a torch and carrying it for a time, and then passing it onto the next generation. Our own imagining makes what we see, and what we see is made by what we imagine. The two cannot be disconnected until we drop our egos, and see reality only through the eyes of God, or Christ.

The prayer the old man shared with me gave me a different way of seeing God. For most of my life I had been taught that ‘other religions’ expressed God as different entities. Not one ‘true’ God, but a whole bunch of minor, mythical gods. During this prayer, those thoughts were corrected. There were not many mythical gods, but faces of God used to better understand our palace in a world that is not of Heaven. 

Here is the prayer this Tolkapaya man gave to me at that moment.

It was truly a gift I have kept with me for many years and use often.

He told me to stand with my hands at my side and at the end of each statement to place my hand over my heart and say ‘ho’, which he said meant I heard him and was following the prayer. I’m not sure that was his native language, but I did it anyway. He also said that when we turn our bodies in any direction to outreach our hands in that direction, and if we turn towards the ground, to reach down on one knee. He said that the prayer requires us to turn towards the face of the Loving God, and reflect that Love back.

Then he said: 

We turn and face the West, to the setting sun. We look to our ancestors, and all those who came before us; we would not be here if not for you. We honor you, and send you love and encouragement, thanks and praise, for your continued journey.

We lauded for a moment and then he said:

Then we turn to the North, to the strong winds that blow against us, helping us remain humble. You polish the roughness of our souls, and offer us a reality that we are not the center of all that is, but instead an extension of the Love of God. We offer you love and praise, honor and respect.

Again, he paused and then he said:

Now we move to the East, to those who will come after us, we pass our torch to you. You will carry the witness of our journey, and create your own adventure. We offer you love and praise, encouragement and honor for your witness to God.

He paused again and said:

Now to the South, to the warm winds of summer; to the fruits of this world that sustain our lives, we give you love and encouragement, thanks and praise; for without you, there would be no life, no love, but only dust.

He paused once more and then said:

And now we turn to the earth, to the Motherly face of God, from which all life comes. All the finned creatures, the feathered creatures, the creepy creatures, the hooved ones and the peoples of this world. We honor you and your gift of life. We give you thanks and praise, love and encouragement.

Once more he paused and then reached up to the sky and said:

And now we turn to the Heavens, to the Fatherly face of God. The one who brings bravery, courage, curiosity and protection. We honor you, and give you love and encouragement, thanks and praise. Without you we would wander aimlessly and die of fools.

Then he placed his hand over his heart and said:

And finally, we turn to ourselves, as witness to the great wonders of the Universe. We give ourselves love and encouragement, thanks and praise. This is our journey and we accept its challenges and forgive ourselves for being less than perfect. We know we are traveling towards home, and all sentience will reach home in time. A time that is itself a myth.

By this time I was turned to the southern sky, so the old man was behind me. And when I turned to face him, I was alone. But I’ve never forgotten the prayer or the masseuse. The moment I got back to the ‘camp’ I asked around about the Tolkapaya who I had met. Nobody had ever heard of him.

My hope is that this prayer will help you find the peace you are looking for. And to understand that God cannot be angry with you. You are an extension of God and God’s will. And you are not stronger than the Will of God. 

May you be blessed in your journey.

My Book: The Wisdom of Epinoia can be found here: Epinoia, a spiritual tale of forgiveness.